Dear Mr. Putin,
Could you do me a big favour and take your finger off of that big red button?
I would love for my seven children to see some classic battles between Russia and the West, but would prefer that they be in Olympic and world championship hockey arenas, as opposed to a best-of-one nuclear holocaust.
As you have said many times, Russia is a great nation – and I would love to see it stay that way. Thank you, Russia, for the periodic table, grain harvester, backpack parachute, synthetic rubber, transformers (not the Optimus kind, but still a prime-time power player), Pavel Bure, Anna Kournikova, Alex Ovechkin, Maria Sharapova, and some of my favourite characters in the local business and beach volleyball communities.
Now, I happen to be blessed with a brain that is incapable of overthinking, so I came up with a simple, five-part strategy to put an end to this crisis:
- Announce that you are saddened by the growing death toll from the conflict, and that you are committed to finding a path to peace.
- Draft an agreement (I have a great contract lawyer who I am sure would offer us a discounted rate) that requires the West to cut military support of Ukraine. It’s not like the U.S. and England would allow you to have Mexico and Wales become highly militarized allies of Russia, so I think that’s fair.
- Allow President Zelensky to continue to lead Ukraine as an independent nation. I am certain he understands by now that membership in NATO is not a great idea.
- Withdraw all Russian armed forces from Ukraine, and allow pro-Russia citizens within Ukraine to move to your country.
- Have dinner with my family to celebrate this momentous occasion. Since Switzerland has shown that it is no longer neutral, I suggest a nice pasta meal followed by cheesecake at my ex-wife’s home in Calgary. Other than questionable taste in man, she is a wonderful person, and a great cook! Please bring your family. We will do shots of my favourite Canadian vodka from Park Distillery in Banff. Really, those are the only kind of shots that should be fired.
Please contact me on LinkedIn or become a member of my new truth/integrity-focused media platform at BIG Media to firm up the details.
Sincerely,
Rob
