I am not a keen follower of pop culture, and confess to not knowing what any of the Kardashians look like, although I nailed the surname spelling on my first crack.
But, partially because I – and at least 28% of my children before they turned 3 years old – consider myself to be a part-time comedian (full-time effort but only successful part of the time), I have found it impossible to resist weighing in on The Slap.
So, I offer the Top 10 Ramifications of the Slap Heard ‘Round the World’:
- Will Smith’s action at the Academy Awards, seen as a slap in the face to the comedy industry, will take some of the edge out of comedic content. For example, Ricky Gervais’ use of the C-word will drop from 30 to 12 per day.
- Jaida Pinkett Smith will actually star in GI Jane 2, and Chris Rock will receive 10% of box office sales for floating the idea.
- Although Chris Rock decided not to pursue criminal charges against Will Smith, the Geological Society of America, the Geological Survey of Canada, and the Geological Society of London are expected to commence a class-action lawsuit. To these organizations, not unlike a key NATO principle, an attack on one rock structure, is an attack on all.
- The term “alopecia” will be changed to “Iwillslapya”.
- The host of the Oscars will forever onward be the reigning UFC heavyweight champion.
- The term bald will formally be changed to “follically challenged”.
- Attendees of events in which comedians perform will be required to sign waivers acknowledging that good comedy regularly pushes the limits of good taste, and that they will not attack the performer if they are offended.
- HBO will introduce a reality series titled “Bitchslaps of Beverly Hills”.
- Will Smith will star as himself in Concussion – the Sequel.
- The expression “God’s will” will be changed to “God’s determination”.