Heading into Valentine’s Day weekend, my social media feeds are filled with couples expressing their undying love to each other. Yuck.
Florists and chocolatiers are doing big business as sweethearts say “I love you” with murdered plants and high-calorie treats. Gross.
Sales of Viagra and Cialis, like their customers, are on the rise as lovers ensure that nothing softens the anticipated night of passionate love-making. Disgusting.
None of that is of interest to me. I need to focus on work. Launching spin-free newsfeed/member-engagement platform BIG Media (big-media.ca) this week means that time is far more precious than any companion could be.
That is exactly why I put considerable effort into making myself unattractive to potential suitors. In posts this week, I made each of the following abundantly clear:
- I cannot carry a tune https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cfem7JJyO7Q
- I am not physically gifted https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUrI87n9efw&t=3s
- I am a sore loser https://big-media.ca/election-was-stolen-from-me-obviously/
As the week progressed, though, I felt temptation again and again. Several people made obvious advances – e.g. barista at the drive-thru said, while smiling, and I quote precisely, “Thanks and have a nice day!” … On the same day, a bartender, just as I was deciding how much of a tip to add to my bill, said, “What are your plans for the rest of the night?” Sheesh – you would think they would try to be more subtle about their desire for me.
Desperate to find a way to maintain my concentration on business – and not of the monkey variety – I paid a visit to the BIG Media lab and asked if they could invent a product with which I could deliberately de-liberate my libido.
Well, our nerds in lab coats came through again, just as they did earlier this week in developing a proprietary spray solution to eliminate pesky trolls. https://big-media.ca/logic
They whipped up an oral pill that has the opposite effect of Cialis and Viagra, completely eliminating any sexual urges. It tastes terrible but it works. It’s called NIAGRA – as in, it falls.